Father's Day 2022

This has been on my mind for the past few month but haven't had the right mindset to express it. Perhaps I was in denial or was too overwhelmed with everything. Could be both. 

Just when I thought the fall of 2021 was bad, the situation with my dad continued to worsen through 2022. Unfortunately, we are now at a point of having to accept that there are no other alternate options available and to let the higher powers take it away with dad. 

With the exception of February, dad has been rotating through the hospitals and care facilities at UCSF, Jewish Home and Kentfield for the past 6 months. He hasn't been back at home in SF since my sister's birthday. Since then, he's been having repeated episodes of aspirating, clogged feeding tubes and an overall inability to move. 

It feels like we've been through every ICU unit at UCSF and every rotation of medical staff at Kentfield. 

In March, dad had a significant episode of aspirating that led to the doctors to have a serious conversation about whether to pursue a tracheostomy. It was a heartbreaking decision to make and ultimately my dad agreed to go through with the procedure. 

Last Thursday was another heart breaking moment when we found out that cancerous cells were found in his cerebral spinal fluid, indicating a diagnosis of leptomeningeal carcinomatosis- a rare form of brain cancer. 

For about a year, i've been trying to prepare myself for the possibility of losing dad. And yet, I still struggle to accept it. It breaks my heart to think that he cannot fight against this horrible battle of cancer. My nightmares and trauma from 20 years ago has resurfaced and sometimes I feel like I'm back as a 13 year old.

Or perhaps, the events back in 2003 have prepared me for this very moment of facing the fact that my dad will no longer be here. 

I hate this. I hate this so much. I grieve so hard for all the moments we could have had if it weren't for this damn cancer. 

We could have had more meals together. More moments of going to a buffets. More opportunities to travel around in Hawaii and Hong Kong. I still ache for the ability to travel with my dad back to Hong Kong. It pains me to know that I can no longer have food prepared by my dad. I can't remember what his last cooked meal with me was. It makes me so sad and angry at how short his life is ending. 

These next few days and weeks will be our last moments with him. It's painful. He has taught me so much and I love him so much. 

I tried so hard to oversee his medical care and ensure his treatments went smoothly. 

I'm not sure how our family is going to move on with this.